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How to make love to a stone butch

How To Make Love To A Stone Butch


There is such complete ignorance and apathy towards butches expressing a fully realized sexuality that eventually you get tired of even considering yourself a sexual being. Growing up barely conscious of how complex everything was, I went along with all of it. Pieces are constantly made from the point of view of feminine women, but I think butch stories urgently require recognition and a place in wider discourses.

Name: Berthe

How old am I: 18
Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
My body features: My figure type is quite thin
My favourite music: Techno

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It was too dark for me to see her face, but I know she was rolling her eyes. I had many reasons for that, but this was the reason she found easiest to express. My stomach turned because no matter how much it hurt to hear it, there was an aching sliver of truth in that blanket statement. If you want to get under my surface, prepare for the long haul.

I am not the kind of fruit that peels easier in hot water. I am the flower that only blooms once every few years, and only under the full moon during a downpour. Why do some of us bind? Do we not like our womanhood, are we rejecting our femaleness?

Why do we look like 14 year old boys? Why are most butches tops?

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I wish I could say that the way in which our bodies exist, or are offered up to each other, to the masses, to whoever needs to approve or disapprove of them in order for us to go on existing, was not just a little bit harder. It reminds me of people who justify violence against queers because of our flamboyance. My inner response to these questions comes from a deep and dirty recess in my gut: Where the fuck do you get off? Sometimes it feels like a requirement for queerness is an incredible well of strength to put up with the people who ask you invasive questions about your sex life that would never be presented to the straight couple at the other end of the bar.

And labels are as fluid as sexuality, entirely up to personal preference, and stand for something different on every body that bears them. Stone butch is the best way I know to describe that. I came to this identity organically, and like all other identities I use in my life, through a bit of stumbling and derailment.

I did not enter my sexuality one hundred percent certain of the label. The fact that I did not really enjoy most touching in bed made me come up with a lot of excuses. It is not progress to get me out of my clothes. I actually gave myself a stick and poke tattoo on my mons pubis as a way of stopping people from undressing me. I wrestle constantly with this narrative. The nagging discomfort of physical contact, the specific way in which I derive pleasure, the way that interrupts or contrasts with the way my partners understood intercourse: So many times, I interpreted these as symptoms of a problem.

Something, I determined, must be wrong with me. It might try to budge its way in, but kick it out your bedroom door and lock it out. Touching is human. I get off on getting my partner off. I do, I swear! I promise I am not making this up, saying it to make you feel better. It would be nice to grant wishes, even if my wish is for less people to ask me stupid questions in public.

I want to take all of my partners and unite them in a circle, have them hold hands with me while apologies pour out of me like tears. You might laugh, though. It is almost too perfect. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts. Thank you for sharing yourself.

I very much identified with this part: And labels are as fluid as sexuality, entirely up to personal preference, and stand for something different on every body that bears them. Longtime reader, first time commenter, here. Reading this has made me think harder about the idea that pleasure looks and feels different to different people.

Thank you.

Oh, Halberstam. Perhaps it hits a little close to home for me, but really. As a femme, I have such difficulty with this. You see, I gravitate to and love strong butch women, many of whom have a very strong top energy both in a sexual and bdsm sense and yet I have very strong top tendencies myself. And yet, I crave that strength and that toppiness.

I want someone I can curl up into. True, as mentioned above, for the right woman, I probably would open up and submit.

At least I know I do. It hurts and frustrates me that our labels—the way in which we categorize and identify, the very words we use to make sense of how we move through the world—can sometimes bring unwanted prejudice. It bothers me that some people p certain things about me because they see me wearing my crazy eyeshadow and fishnets and of course, the same for anyone who seems to fit any other kind of category. I consider myself a top-leaning switch.

I too am a hard femme who is a top-leaning switch thank you for that definition — that perfectly fits me. Or they should have. It sucks and it hurts. I just wanted her to know that I desired her — wholly, completely — desired her, every part of her body, of her essence. I wanted to give her pleasure too. Instead, I gave her anxiety. I feel like you should be reading it as poetry.

You communicate what you mean so well. Thank you, honestly, thank you. For sure it sometimes is, but sometimes I think it just comes from the simple fact that some people love giving and receiving equally. Yes, I definitely agree with you. Definitely nobody should have to justify their desires. I know I would struggle not to feel that way — although this article has gone a long way towards helping me re-examine why that would be my first assumption.

Well done, indeed. I a femme top was asked once by a partner if I was stone. Thank you for sharing…I recently came out of a long term relationship and even towards the end our sex life was beautiful, insync, organic, natural…like we have been with one another our whole lives. It was until we were separated that I realized just how lucky I was to have found my counterpoint. I experience harsh criticism, odd questions, and doubtful looks when I explain what I like in bed, and what I want my partner to do…etc.

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Its important to remember that while we respect and allow fluidity and freedom, some people just know what they like and that should be ok :. I wish we could be your friends and that she could not be the only person she knows who is like her. I have never heard the former expression before. I would consider myself a tomboy femme stone top.

Kade — thank you so much for this post. I look forward to your Butch Please posts. My favorite quote:.

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I enjoyed reading this, even though it was very difficult for me to do so, though probably not as difficult as it was for you to write it and put it out there. And it felt like half of my sexual horizons were just ripped from me then and there. I wonder if this cycle of self doubt comes from mismatched sexual needs, or chronically insecure personality types I mean to accuse myself and perhaps any other people in my shoes of this, not youor the bullying that so often unfairly of course accompanies this insecurity, or if it comes from people not understanding and being exposed to different ways of expressing sexuality, from being fed a certain kind of romance and intimacy by movies and books and their friends, or really, all of the above and then some?

Apart from that, interesting article. I, too, was first a bit offended by this methapor though at least it was not David Hasselhoff tearing down the Berlin Wall. I really enjoy this, particularly the section solely on stone tops. Still I really appreciate this as a whole, wonderfully written. I really enjoyed reading this article.

I think you make so many good points, but my favorite hands down is that queer sex transcends so many things and is this free space to think of things differently.

I think its good to discuss with any new sexual partner what their boundaries are and ask respectful questions as needed. Everyone has different boundaries and those are not meant to be broken down, but rather respected and learned from. So yes to all of that, but… other complication. And I like playing with power dynamics, but I like to have control there. I guess I have gotten to a place where I am pretty lost in touching someone else, but not quite in the same way.

Is sex a complete sex if only one of the parties receive pleasure? I decided to remind myself of this often.

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